Saturday, October 30, 2010

ROAD TRIP!

How to make the perfect road trip.

Alright so lets cut this right to the chase. No beating around the bush here. I'm not gunna doddle on this one. This post is going right to the counter. I'm really too tired to sit around and try to amuse my followers with my brilliance of wit and bold, attacking prose. So no more dilly-daddle. Lets do this.
Heres how to have the ultimate road trip experience.




Step #1: Your Group.
You'll need a group of devoted, close friends to be in on it. Your going to be in a small space and up late nights with these people and it's probably going to be better if your all close and trust each other. 5 to 6 people would be the optimum, though you can have a more intimate one with your best friend or lover. Or you could brave a tribe, and have like 10 or 12 people.






Step #2: Your Dough.
Your going to need money. And the more the better. If you have a crappy job? No prob, just set aside at least 10 to 20 bucks a paycheck JUST for the trip. Don't rush it. Plan to have the trip at a time convenient for everyone. And try to have it a ways away from now. Like if its summer, plan to do it NEXT summer. Or if its winter?  Plan to do it the summer after this or just come up with a great financial plan so it could be for the coming one.
Everyone should be pitching in. Ideally, 2000 bucks a person for the trip. But like I said, the more the better.




Step #3: Your Destination.
Where you headed? My personal opinion? Road trip in the US. Good roads, solid laws, you can go forever and not have to cross a country boarder, great destinations, and you dont have to go far for awesome and diverse scenery and cultures.
The classic road trip is classic for a reason. Go drive through the mid west and/or the west. Red canyons, cactus, plenty of pit-stops, roadside pigs outs, and (of course) long stretches of open road.




Step #4: Your Wagon.
You need the rollin' shack. You and/or your friends have to pick out what you guys are gunna roll in. Again, my personal opinion? Get a Volkswagen Van/Bus. If you don't how the seat are put in, I would just pull them all out, cover the floor in something soft that you'd like to kick it in. Shag carpet is part of the stereotype for a reason. Optimize your vehicle. Add a cooler, a good sound system with plenty of tunes organized by play-list, room to for everyone to lay down when they want to sleep, and whatever else you feel would make the van a home away from home.




Step #5: Your Mash.
Your going to want food. Lots of food. Don't just buy enough food to get by. Your going to want food not only for meals but for just sitting around and having something to snack on while you chat, or drive, or in-between meals or when your bored, and yaddy yaddy yadda. Its good to always have stuff to eat. Eating from hungry to hungry just makes you think about meal times too much, and you want to enjoy your trip. Get LOTS of canned food and water before you leave. Of course have a healthy road-trip supply of your favorite verity of chips, nuts. and candy. If you can afford it get a lot of peanut butter and honey with bread. Nothing has to be refrigerated and a PB&H is amazing. Get cold foods in accordance to what type of cooling unit your vehicle has and how much room is in it. Always have cash put aside for roadside cafes and neat little restaurants along the way. It's always cool to be able to stop into different places and see what they have on their menus with your friends. Remember drinks; bottled water, sodas, energy drinks, etc, etc...




Step #6: Your Reckless Abandonment.
Leave. But in style. Look for a new job if you already have one. Set it up with a friend or a relative, knowing it will be there when you come back, because your current one? Gone. Your just gunna leave. Leave your job, leave your enemies, leave your problems. Still in school? Senior year? LEAVE! YIPPY-KAI-AYE-YAY!









Step #7: Burnin' Out.
Everyone pile into the Van, crack open some sodas, blast the opening tune, and burn out!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Stickin' It !

 Here is yet another post that comes from writings I did back in high school. I had a band during my senior year called Stick It To The Man. Just a fun cover band but we had some epic moments. Here I rant about my initial urge to create that band.




 OK. I will take stops like the one I am making right now through out this compilation of genius to write a certain rant in which I will keep coming back to again and again (depends really on the days when it strikes me harder then others). And this, my friends, is The Man. Yeah you heard me. The Man. Its almost like shouting a slurred Voldomort if you got drunk on butter beer at a Hogwarts bonfire party. And it ticks me off. Because, first of all we are mostly products of our society. Society is a product of The System. The System is a prime factor of The Machine. And The Machine is a mass of cogs, buttons, wheels and levers, pulled and run by The Man! One forged the other on down the little pink line so they could have their own gun to shoot with. And today society is the gun that I got hit with. I hate it. I hate it almost like Philipino (and don't give me crap about writing it with a "Ph" my goodness! It's how you freaking spell it) cheese ice cream... no... OK no, not THAT much. but a darn lot. Society decides some of the most personal things. For me it decided who I liked. Who I could be with. Well I don't trust society. I never met it in person. All I have seen are bullet holes that it left. And even, occasionally, have felt the burn of being shot by it. I have been very disabled against things like society and over all The Man since I have not had a freakin BAND in so frickin long. If I'd never cut my back hair since I had last been in a band then every time I sat on the toilet it would get wet. THAT'S HOW LONG!

No more. I will forge a rock band. Out of the stinking raw ores from Mount Power. I will pound them with the hammer of Angus and let their rancid fumes spit out of the rocky cracks. I will smelt it into a rock band worthy of sticking... I'm sorry, did I say sticking? wrong word. I meant stickin'. Worthy of Stickin' it to The Man! A band with running guitar solos and funky-chunky bass lines. I do believe that I am on the verge of this. Since, you see, on this island a drummer is hard to find... and drum set is close to being even out of the question. But I have found a a boy... a boy who has hair... long hair... and who has a drum set... a long drum set... and can stick it... long stick it. So I have asked and he has answered. The band is on the horizon now. I can smell it... and me oh my… it is very smelly...

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Why Americas Food Wins I : Blue Berry Pancakes

Blue Berry Pancakes. It's one of the reasons I wake up every morning. Not because I'm going to have them for breakfast or anything. But because I am NOT going to. Because I have to stay alive for the day I wake up and tell myself "Yes. Yes Jacob. You have made it to that fateful morning. And the time for blueberry pancakes has come."
There is something too aweing for mans languages to describe biting into a fluffy, crisp, golden pancake, rich' n moist with fresh, juicy blueberry, stuffed into its thick, doughy, cake. It's the elegant deer of the breakfast bread, and the seductive madame of the morning-berried plate.
Few things compare to cutting through a fresh blueberry pancake and having berry scented steam jet out through the opening into your face. And how the purple juices of the berries mix with the bread of the pancake to make it doughy and moist.


Top that off with real maple syrup and you'll understand one of the reasons why Americas food wins.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Filipino Cheese Icecream


Filipino Cheese Ice Cream. This really bothers me. Whose idea was it to put the cheese in the ice cream? Really. And what’s more is that it didn’t just stop there as someone just trying to gross people out at lunch with their outrageous food combinations, it became an actual type of ice cream! In the Philippines there is an ice cream filled with thick little cheese cubes. No, it’s not good at all. It’s ridiculous. My dad’s Filipino co-worker bought 2 cartons of them over to my family once a few years back. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. Thank you so much!
Well, we didn’t want to waste food (even if cheese ice cream is debated as being a food by some) and no one else in the family would touch it after the first 2 bites, so me n my dad sat down to watch a movie with only one real sole motive in mind; a mission to fulfill before we saw the credits: To be real men and each finish a carton of the incorrect hell spawn. I rarely remember what the movie might have been about. The taste was too wrong to let me be completely aware, I was semi-lucid. We didn’t end up eating it all—we threw it away. Forget Africa, starving people wouldn’t have been able to do it either. It’s not that it was unbearably gross necessarily, but it was wrong. Something registered in your head as morally destroying. I really don’t understand the Filipinos. I’m sorry.

Filipinos seem to eat everything. They should have had someone over there when they started to develop their delicacies thousands of years ago. Someone to say simple little things and steer them in the right direction. “No, kill the pig first… good. NOW eat it.” “Uh-ah. We eat things while they are still fresh, we don’t want the green in the meat and hair growing on the vegetables and the breads. Good! Good little people!” “Now, if it smells like it’s been dead for more than 2 days, don’t eat it.” No. They didn’t have this assistance. Really, so disappointing. Some things are like, you gotta be kidding me…2 cups of white sugar into the half gallon of spaghetti sauce?

The Evil Propoganda Of Nerds

Here's a bit of piece from a script of rants I kept back in highschool...



I  don’t understand the whole “you’ll use math in every day of your life” crap. That’s just insane. I will not. I don’t get why adults think I’m gonna buy all that bull. There must be a better way to motivate me to do this stupid, impractical, standard school work, then to lie to me about it so bluntly. Let me remain without degrading me,  mocking my intelligence before forcing this young boy into submission of the worst kind…math work…
I never use math in my life until I’m in the classroom. If we use it or need it so much then how did man survive and evolve before it? If it’s so true that I need to use math all the time then maybe you should take a good look at what my average day consists of.
So the grown-ups say that every movement you make, thing you think, thing you see, is somehow a math problem. That is just downright impossible. I haven’t thought of math at all today and here I am writing the most important piece of literature that man might stumble upon for the next few thousand years! And yes, I suck at math, but while some guy who listened real fine and nicely in math class is using it to either teach a math class or calculate stuff for NASA, I’m gonna be carried around on my little Indian shoulder cart preaching my philosophy to the billions of followers that chant my name. Yes. I will make more history than you, you calculating geek. And I will have done it all without your retarded math.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Of Cows

I want to know why cows are so mistreated. I mean, every time I say cows are my favorite animal, people laugh. Some people don’t even take me seriously. They say “ewww” or “Ha, that’s funny.” Now whats so wrong about cattle? They provide us with so many things. I don’t understand the obsession with horses. That’s what I’d like cleared up. If someone says that their favorite animal is a horse no one says a word. Or even more common “Oh me too!”. I just don’t understand! Horses don’t do jack-crap for us. We can ride them, sure, but now we have motorcycles and cars and stuff. Besides if you were to ride a domesticated animal would it not be way-cooler to ride a bull?!?! Imagine… on the back of a spindly, little horse? Or enthroned on top of a large, black, snorting, muscles rippling, horns gleaming, 1,700 pound bull? It would look a lot cooler wouldn’t it? Plus, no one would want to mess with you if you were on the back of the most aggressive and dangerous (besides the hippo) herbivore in the world.

And on top of that cows give milk. Aha! Now that’s something with no real substitute, unlike the riding of a horse. Without cows you wouldn’t have milk, ice cream, cheese, cheesecake, milk chocolate, butter, and chocolate milk! Those are just a few things on the list. There are tons of things they provide us with. Imagine a world with no beef. No hamburgers! Now that would be sin. Cows also provide the most exciting part of the rodeo and of the run of the bulls.

People make out like cows are somehow grosser and dirtier then horses. I don’t understand why. Horses will crap and walk through it just like a cow does. I mean, it’s not like horses shower or something. They are just as dirty as cows are. The only difference is they are more useless.

A bull is also what they use for the main part of the entertainment in a Spanish bull fight. In this the bull represents the complete American favorite. He is the underdog. They put the bull into a ring and then have men run around and confuse it while others sneak-up on it and stab spears into its back haunches. Once the bull is weak from the loss of blood and aggravated to where its instincts tell it that it must now fight for its life, the matador comes out. This is a wanna-be Spanish pimp. He wears tight, black clothing and carries a silky red cape. Does this sound like The Man to you? YES! He waves the cape and as the bull runs at him (because it thinks it’s fighting for its life, and actually has nothing to do with the color of the cape) the matador steps aside and lets it run by, using his superior knowledge. As the bull passes by, the matador carries a spear in his other hand which he stabs into its lower back. After the bull has done a number of these he begins going for his final run, with the last of his strength. The matador knows when this time has come because this is not the first occasion he has performed the wicked deed. He then takes a sword in the other hand instead of a spear. This he stabs though the bull’s heart. The crowed goes wild as the bull dies at the matador’s apparent act of bravery. So basically, it’s a giant conspiracy against the bull. Thousands of cheering and excited spectators come to watch, the people in the ring all gang up and in the end the hit man delivers the bull to his doom. CONSPIRACY! And it’s all against the bull!

But horses get all the credit. At the end of the day, the horse doesn’t have these problems. It’s being bred and re-bred to get a final thoroughbred product that will be worth hundreds of thousands, if not millions of dollars. So naturally, it is treated like a king. Why is this? Because the media has made you love the horse, to accept it into society as one of us. You don’t eat horse, that's inhumane. You would never do what you did to the bull in the ring to a horse. Animal lovers would have you executed! But OH-HO-DEE-DOH! Let’s all gang up on the COW! The cow only ever gave you stuff! The cow never even got its own motion picture, which is what the horse has gotten HUNDREDS of times! It’s the media working hand in hand with all those sick little girls who have unwarranted pony fantasies! 

Anyway, cows are my favorite animal, and hopefully by reading this you will understand why that is, instead of scoffing and then thinking all your “subliminally” dictated horse thoughts.

Sexy-wang-go

I consider myself one of the few people (besides James Bond) in this world who have mastered the art of sexy-wang-go. This is a lethal blend of deadly martial arts and some serious mojo. Find little time to practice it though. First you must wait till midnight to do the basic buttocks clutch exercise, light some candles if you like (I prefer to use pine needle scent. It somehow reminds you what your doing isn’t gay), then swear your standard “Squint” Eastwood oath. After this is where you proceed to practice hip sway movements, hair styles, and posing hot attack stances. I do not encourage the average commoner to go into the delicate art balance of sexy-wang-go. I’m just letting you know I do it because I’m sure it will come up later in my theories, stories, and metaphors. You know….sexy-wang-go.



Sunday, October 17, 2010

Airship.

The world is made of little things, and such hold the answer.
My bus, my seat, my autumn sleeves; these were the little things... in my life.
Grueling through the winter snow, behold the front door.
Flakes give in, and melt away. Destination: Coco.

The Beast, she loves the yellow trees.
 We were the candy "underground".
The path, your shop, those gnoming falls...
Roxaboxen... left alone.
As time went by the less you said thank you.
And life's been good, so leave good alone. But your heart begs...
Yukon Ho...

Yukon Ho! Yukon Ho!
Yukon Ho! Yukon HO!
The things we think about when we're young-

Yukon tops the bucket list, but we'll need aviation.
Captain Sam shall construct the airship.
Yes I believe in--- a Great Above.


As worlds pass by, they slip away...

Run Home.

Baseball.

As I see it, the one word above should be enough to sum up a lifetime of metaphor and emotion and there would not have to be a post which said more then that... in an ideal America, that is...

And I remember Alex McKeatten. He was all the way from Boston AND he had made-out with girls before, so to our little gang-trio growing up on that dead end drive in Otter Creek, when his family came up to stay for the summers it was a rough equivalent to King Richard The Lion Heart coming at the end of Disney's Robin Hood. And alot of things happened in those summers. But with Alex I meant baseball.
Two bags; one for gloves and one for balls. All the cards you could think of, and bats. 3-4 wood ones. And the steel one. No one could touch the steel one except for Alex. Keeping us peasants in our rightful place and doing well to remember who was mighty enough to have the girlfriend out of us.
And then we'd play. Really play. It had nothing to do with who won or lost. It was who could hit the ball the farthest. Who could make the most dramatic dive into the dust at home plate. The intensity of the run from 2nd to 3rd base, where you didn't hear anyone or anything but the wind in your ears and the wild in your face. That was running. You go for a "run" in the morning, you "run" to get there before class begins, you "run" because your late for a meeting. But real running is a survival instinct pre-built into all of us. Running to get away. Running because somethings chasing you. Run, someone is chasing you. From base to base you had purpose. REAL purpose. Think of the reasons you hurry today. Think of when your speeding to get somewhere for something "important". Now go to a park and watch kids play around. One of them is going faster then ten busy yuppies combined. Because he has reason. Because "IT!" is right behind them on the slide. Because last one to the swings is a rotten egg. Because the guy right behind you has the baseball and that patch of white heaven seen through the golden dust, is the one safe place on the planet. Instinct. Run because you need to. And then there was the spirit of the game I remember. The beauty. A sky so blue, looking directly into it would poison the older you with sweet incurable  nostalgia. The grasshoppers that littered the grass, and you didn't think twice about picking one up and cupping it in your hand. The idle of everyone; 3rd base drawing pictures in the dirt with their foot, outfield picking grass and telling jokes to 2nd while sitting cross legged. The all American sport. Wait, what a crude title for such a sweet summer dream gone past. "Sport"... Sport is what has yelling coaches, critics, easily offended fans, and tickets you have to pay for. No, not the all American sport. The all American past-time. Yes. Because that's what it is. It's magic. Its when families lay out quilts on the grass and eat picnic food while watching the game. Hot dogs, lemonade... It's the world of 9 year old tom-boys and faded denim... pin striped jerseys.

Sports are just sports. Baseball, well its more. Iv heard so much trash talk on it. "You don't do anything, you just stand there.", "It's so boring, you just swing at a ball". Most of this is jock-tokk, in their almighty comparison to football. Go ahead. Have your football. Sure it's fun. It's in your face. It's like an action movie. But its not baseball. Its not more then a sport. It's just that. A sport. Baseball is a way of life. A summer culture that  runs thick in hot-dog relish, warhead candies, the smell and feel of grass so green and and expansive it makes you wonder how earth and man could fathom up such a totality of perfect. Can Josh really climb the fence behind home plate? The conversations you start to have while playing catch with your closest friend or dad, and the hours pass by and you get into the repetitive motion of catch'n'throw... and you don't notice the sun dip, and the high, flat and painted clouds, that could challenge the northern lights for magnificence, with their pink and orange. The topics range from all the spectrum's of your life and the thoughts and philosophies you start to share with each other. The field lights turn on and finally comes the moment when you miss the ball and have to go far to fetch it out of the bushes. Your mind clicks and your realize how late it is and how bug bitten you are. And you leave the premise of that field, literally that field of dreams, and you realize its night time. That the rest of the world is dark, and not lit by the soft orange glow of the field lights, shinning high from the top of their pine, tar covered poles.

Cant relate? Then drop what your doing. Take a little time out of your weekend to go to a baseball field. Go when its empty. Go with your friends or kids. Go with some sodas, a ball, and gloves. Rock the field. Play catch, pitch and bat, or get enough to run a whole game. Laugh, name call, steal bases, plow dirt, run because someone is chasing you. Hold a glove or ball up to your face. Smell it and feel it against you cheek. You'll know what I'm talking about. Or just go alone and walk through a baseball field. Don't have equipment or a ball? Sit on the bleachers with a friend and talk. The spirit is there. And there is nothing quite like it.




And they'll walk out to the bleachers; sit in shirtsleeves on a perfect afternoon. They'll find they have reserved seats somewhere along one of the baselines, where they sat when they were children and cheered their heroes. And they'll watch the game and it'll be as if they dipped themselves in magic waters. The memories will be so thick they'll have to brush them away from their faces. People will come Ray. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again. Oh... people will come Ray. People will most definitely come.- Field Of Dreams.



You gotta be a man to play baseball for a living, but you gotta have a lot of little boy in you, too.  ~Roy Campanella

There are three things in my life which I really love:  God, my family, and baseball.  The only problem - once baseball season starts, I change the order around a bit.  ~Al Gallagher, 1971

Baseball was made for kids, and grown-ups only screw it up.  ~Bob Lemon

When they start the game, they don't yell, "Work ball."  They say, "Play ball."  ~Willie Stargell, 1981

Baseball is a game where a curve is an optical illusion, a screwball can be a pitch or a person, stealing is legal and you can spit anywhere you like except in the umpire's eye or on the ball.  ~Jim Murray

Baseball, to me, is still the national pastime because it is a summer game.  I feel that almost all Americans are summer people, that summer is what they think of when they think of their childhood.  I think it stirs up an incredible emotion within people.  ~Steve Busby, in Washington Post, 8 July 1974
If a horse can't eat it, I don't want to play on it.  ~Dick Allen, on artificial turf, 1970

That's what I wish for. Chance to squint at a sky so blue that it hurts your eyes just to look at it. To feel the tingling in your arm as you connect with the ball. To run the bases - stretch a double into a triple, and flop face-first into third, wrap your arms around the bag.-Field Of Dreams.



People ask me what I do in winter when there's no baseball.  I'll tell you what I do.  I stare out the window and wait for spring.  ~Rogers Hornsby


I'm convinced that every boy, in his heart, would rather steal second base than an automobile.  ~Tom Clark


I don't love baseball.  I don't love most of today's players.  I don't love the owners.  I do love, however, the baseball that is in the heads of baseball fans.  I love the dreams of glory of 10-year-olds, the reminiscences of 70-year-olds.  The greatest baseball arena is in our heads, what we bring to the games, to the telecasts, to reading newspaper reports.  ~Stan Isaacs, "Diamond-Studded Memories," Newsday, 9 April 1990

It breaks your heart.  It is designed to break your heart.  The game begins in spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone.  ~A. Bartlett Giamatti, "The Green Fields of the Mind," Yale Alumni Magazine, November 1977...